BSA303, Focus on the Family anger management resource, 1 April, 2017

Focus on the Family NZ
Build the foundation

Nothing is more fundamental in teaching a child to handle anger than giving the child unconditional love.     Love draws you toward the person; anger pits you against the person.

Who gives out unconditional love in this show?  Jellybean does

 Children need love in the same way they need food. The love tank empties quickly, much like the stomach. We must give heavy doses daily.

Manage your own anger

Fortunately, parents can learn to change destructive patterns and model loving, non-condemning anger-management skills. I encourage parents to develop a simple plan for handling anger — a plan to agree that anger is real, to avoid attacks against others during the heat of anger and to always seek more information when working through disputes. Much of our anger is a result of simply not knowing the other side to a story, so we have to look for a resolution that satisfies both parties. Having this kind of plan in place beforehand can help calm and direct conversation when anger surfaces, and it gives kids a healthy model for anger management that they can begin to apply to their own lives.

Give guidance in the moment

A child really only has two ways to express anger: verbally and behaviorally. Each can be positive or negative. Behaviorally, a child may start pushing, hitting or throwing objects. Obviously, these are negative responses. But leaving the room, counting to 100 aloud or taking a walk outside are mature behavioral responses to anger that allow the child to cool down.

On the verbal side, kids may yell and scream or may use name-calling or other destructive ways of verbalizing anger. The mature child acknowledges to the parent that she is angry and asks for an opportunity to discuss her concerns.

Our goal is to help kids move from their current place of immaturity to healthier levels of processing anger. We need to be careful, however, that we don't expect more maturity than our kids are capable of. It's not uncommon for parents to tell an angry child, "You cannot talk to me that way. Don't raise your voice at me again." But this is often an unrealistic expectation of maturity from the child. Indeed, parents too often expect a level of maturity that we've not yet attained ourselves. As a boy once said to me, "My parents yell and scream at me, telling me not to yell and scream at them."

When your child is responding negatively to anger, take a walk with him or sit him down to talk. Let him discuss his feelings. The more you listen and ask questions, the more likely his volume will decrease. Concentrate on the reason your child is angry, not on the way he is expressing it. Seek to understand what he thinks is unfair. You may not agree. Often a child's anger is distorted and misplaced. But you must hear him out. The anger will not go away until he feels that you have heard and understood his complaint. Indeed, if a parent consistently doesn't seek to understand the source of a child's anger, those feelings can become internalized and later show up in more severe negative behaviors.

After you have had a "listening session" with an angry child, the next morning you might say, "I really appreciate your sharing your anger about that situation. We may not always agree, and we'll continue learning to express feelings more calmly, but I always want to hear how you feel and think."

If you listen and ask questions, in time your child will learn to process anger in a more conversational tone. Shouting matches will gradually diminish. I know this isn't easy. Parents who have never learned to control their own anger may find it hard to imagine taking this approach. But children desperately need our guidance, and only when we learn to handle our own anger in a healthier manner are we truly able to guide our children in processing their anger.

Citation:  (Chapman, 2017)

Bibliography Entry:

Chapman, G. (2017, March 27). Practical Tips for Helping Children with Anger Management. Retrieved from New Zealand Focus on the Family: http://www.family.org.nz/our-blog/pratical-tips-for-helping-children-with-anger-management